Another pound lost, to 365.4, and I’m weary of the journey. Dr. Osborne talked about diet fatigue today, and that’s kind of how I feel. Just tired of the whole business. Seeing the goal as about as far away as Mars. Having trouble staying totally on the fast for just one day.
But one day is what it boils down to. If I can just hang on today, that’s all I need to do. I don’t have to look at tomorrow. And I certainly don’t have to look at another 95 pounds to the goal. Although I look longingly at a recumbent trike, that’s not even on the radar right now, either in the realm of one that will hold me, or financially. I could pay $5000 for one that is made to my size, but that’s not going to happen anytime soon. So, my focus gets narrowed to one day. No more.
And, I’ve talked about that here in this journal. But just because I can spout off some of those pleasant platitudes, doesn’t mean they’ve penetrated into my mind and heart enough to make a difference.
Can you tell that today is a tough day? Thought you might be sensing that. Told Hannah earlier it’s one of those days that I rode my broom to work. I’m trying to focus on doing the tasks that need doing, and kind of staying out of people’s way, lest my black mood spill over to them, and trying to retreat to the solitude of my home studio as quickly as I can. So everything is tough. Even a good workout in the pool today didn’t do a whole lot to change that. I’ve been short with my beloved way more than I ever should. And, for our class today, we got to watch the first half of “Supersize Me,” which is NOT the movie you want to see when your emotions are on the edge to begin with. God seems silent, although I know I’m the one who moved away, not Him. Prayer? Not right now – I’m not even able to enter into thinking about communicating with the Father.
So, I’ll shut my focus down to the essentials. Who He is. Who I am in Him. How I got there. (“not of works, lest any man should boast…”) I’ll ponder things like His unfailing love. His faithfulness. His grace. His mercy. And, in so doing, take my eyes off of myself and put them where they belong – on the Author and Finisher of my faith. It’ll take however long it takes, and then I’ll be ready to place my foot on the path once more, and move ahead.
A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.