“My best years in life, I’ve wasted – why would He really even care?
What have I to give that He would find worthwhile?”
“He’ll Do Whatever It Takes” – Phillips, Craig & Dean
I’ve been pondering a bit (which, as Vicki will tell you, is never a good thing…) and I found myself heading down a trail that I hadn’t been down before, and not really liking what I found at the end of it…
Background: My view of the will of God slides a bit from my Baptist upbringing. In childhood, I believed that God’s will was a trip along a razor’s edge or a treacherous path along the side of a mountain. One slip, one misstep, and you’re making that funny little whistle sound the coyote makes before he hits the desert floor with that “thud” and the cloud of dust. So, be careful little feet where you tread, because one false step and you’re headed down. And if you’re really unfortunate, you won’t hit bottom until you land in the hot place no one ever wants to go. (And I don’t mean Nevada… Or Arkansas.)
As I entered my college years and beyond, that view was replaced with the picture of our loving Father, who wants so much for His children to learn, to love Him, and to GROW. Thus, He presents different choices before us. Some of those are huge forks in the road, others little pebbles. True, the decisions we make in some of these places have consequences that are life-changing, and some of them can harm us for the rest of our days. But the concept that once you step “out” of God’s will is more like a bad decision that you have to live with, rather than missing the path and forever being lost in the darkness.
(I’m sure somebody is going to grab the ol’ KJV, head over here, and give this boy a righteous whuppin’. “See here, BOY, you got some learnin’ to do… an’ I’s the one who’s gonna learn ya.”)
I’ve always believed that God has some amazing things to do with me. He’s given me an abundance of abilities, an imagination that never shuts off, and a thirst to use those abilities to give Him glory. (all modesty intended, btw…) But, what if I already stepped off the path? Through years of not controlling my weight, through countless missed opportunities to learn self-control and perseverance, and through my own mule-headedness, what if all that potential He placed in me is now useless? What if, through my own inactivity, my lack of total surrender and my selfishness, I’ve missed the opportunity to fully use everything He designed me to be? And all I’ll ever have in the years that remain is bitterness, never having realized the possibilities that He hinted at when He made me?
Could I already have made that choice or those choices that have so limited what my options are, that the big “thing” that I always thought He made me for will never happen? Or because of my lack of discipline and drive, being unwilling to push for excellence, will I have wasted His good gifts?
This is usually the place where I turn to scripture, unearth some profound truth or reveal some insight that clears things up and brings us to a great resolution. But, not this time. I don’t have a verse, truth or insight to clear this one out. Just questions. So, I guess this one will be continued… hopefully…