So this seems to be the New Normal for me…
I will be a part, but will remain apart.
I will contribute, but not belong.
I will be involved, but not integrated.
I will add to the whole, but remain on the fringe.
My skills are a valuable addition, but I’m not part of the numbers.
I work alongside, but I walk alone.
Am I lonely? Always.
But perhaps this is how it’s supposed to be – looking from the edge, observing from the sidelines. Perhaps if I were to take one step in, to try and belong, to try and join, it would upset my path, it would overwhelm me, and my mental balance would suffer.
Perhaps living in the margins is mercy, not punishment.
So, God, perhaps the only thing that will fill this yawning emptiness is You from within, not everything I see without.
Perhaps a solitary existence is the only way for me to truly see and hear.
I’m not supposed to belong, because, for me, perhaps, belonging takes too much of my limited attention – attention that should be devoted to You.
I am a part, but remain apart – for when I walk in company, I lose sight of You.
I contribute, but I don’t belong – lest that belonging take Your place.
I’m involved, but not integrated – since the only surrender of myself belongs to You.
I add to the whole, but remain on the fringe – lest I begin to believe that the work of my hands earns me a place, or the companionship of others becomes my reward for using the gifts that You alone deserve the credit for.
My skills are a valuable addition, but I’m not part of the numbers – because for me, that path leads to focusing on what’s around me instead of Whose I am.
I work alongside, but I walk alone – and yet, never alone.
Am I lonely? Always – or at least I see it that way in my limited view. Really, what’s missing is what You alone can provide. Lonely? Not really. Longing? Probably, although my eyes need to be re-focused to see what I really lack, what I really miss, what I really desire.
I want to belong…
to You alone.
Do I actually believe these things? Do I live them? Am I chasing after You instead of people and things?
Not yet. Hopefully someday… soon.