I hate it when I have to jump without a net. it doesn’t seem right that a Father who loves me, who takes good care of me, and who promises never to leave me, would ask me to take a flying leap without being able to see where I will land.
I mean, come on? Just jump on out there? I know – I know, You said jump. You told me that where I’m standing is dangerous ground for me, that it’s doing me more harm than good. The longer I stand on this ground, the heavier my feet get, the more my legs lock up, and the harder it is to move, let alone jump.
But there’s nothing in front of me.
Yeah, yeah… Just jump. You’ll catch me.
I CAN’T SEE YOU!
Sorry to shout, but there it is. There’s nothing in front of me but nothing. Meanwhile, I’ve got bills to pay, obligations to meet, deadlines that I’ve left so long that it embarrasses me to even look at them. I have clutter and crap, stuff that’s choking my existence down to nothing, a prison of my own making that i’m powerless to break down – I can’t see past these foot-thick walls, how am I expected to jump past them? Jump… into…
WHAT? There’s nothing there.
My story? I’m ashamed to admit this, but I’ve been behind these walls for so long now, months and months, that I don’t really believe my story anymore. Oh, I know it happened – I mean, look at me? My size shows that it happened. BUT, if it really happened, why have 15 pounds returned (and climbing)? Where’s the joy, the hope, the love? Maybe it was just that – a story. Nice to read, makes a tear come to the eye and a pitter-patter come to the heart, but that’s it. A brief escape, then back to the mundane.
I do remember “My chains are gone, I’ve been set free.” Yes, I do. But chains can be reforged. Hooks can be refastened. Locks work in two directions – open and closed. Maybe the chains were shattered, but lately they feel more like they just got some slack, eased the tension, tricked my mind, and when my guard is down and I’m running away, full-tilt into the sunshine, SNAP! JERK! CHOKE! I’m on my back, gasping for air.
I see. Yes – You’re right. Where I’m standing is very dangerous ground. Fine – SHOW ME where the next step will land. One step – the ledge where my foot will catch, the one rung left on the ladder, anything. We’ve pared back the numbers, we’re working the budget. We’re not doing it perfectly, but we’re getting close. But if I can’t see a way to replace this ground in the numbers, I CAN’T MOVE. Can’t You see that?
“Give us this day, what we need for this day.”
I know – I DO believe that.
I mean, I can’t argue with the numbers. I don’t even understand numbers. All I know is that it’s all based on what we’ve got. If we don’t got, it don’t work. It go boom, crash, flop, splat. My job is to make sure it don’t go splat. So I stand on this spot. That keeps it from going splat. Those numbers – $125/wk or 20 hrs @ minimum wage – those are my reality.
No, I didn’t always believe that those were reality. You were real, my story was real, joy was real, the limitless possibilities of being ReBorn – they were real.
I need to work, right? To make things function in THIS world, not let them go splat, right? I mean, You were the one who led me to this ground, right? You called me here, You put me here, You told me to do stuff here…
Which means You’re the one who can call me someplace else. Yeah, yeah, yeah – I get that.
JUST TELL ME WHERE!!
Again, sorry about the shouting. Do You think we’d know that David sometimes yelled at You if CapsLock had been invented back then?
Never mind. You were there.
Yes, I know it’s time to move. I know that I’ve learned what you brought me here to learn, I know that I’m losing a little more of who I am the more I stay here, and I realize that it’s only getting harder the longer I stay put.
But without a place to land, things will go splat. I’LL go splat. I don’t want to go splat. I don’t want things to go splat and splatter all over my beloved.
And hey – did You think about her? She’s happier, more at peace when things don’t go splat. She not only knows the numbers, she understands what they mean. So she gets it – if I jump without a net, without a foothold or a handhold, without someplace to land, I’m not the only one who goes splat. You told me to love her with my whole life, to follow His example in loving the church, so that’s what I’m doing. I’m on this ground to keep her safe.
How can I jump?
Yeah, she DOES know that it’s time to move. She sees me slipping away from what is really real, she sees me digging the chains out of the rubbish and hooking them back up, she sees the frustration and the sadness. And she’s confused – how can someplace that has taught me so much suddenly be someplace I shouldn’t stay anymore. How does someplace You brought me suddenly become a bad place for me to be?
No, I don’t blame the place. The place is the same as it was when I arrived. It’s a decent place, not a cesspool overflowing with evil. It continues to help provide for our needs. And for some, it’s a perfect place for them to be.
So what happened? I learned what I came here to learn? I served in the way You asked me to serve? I went where You said to go, and learned the obedience lesson?
(And failed it immediately, since you have said JUMP, and so far, there’s been a total absence of jumpage.)
All of the above, including the epic fail? Yeah, probably…
So, in answer to Your question, YES we both are suffering with me standing where I am. We’re both confused that the good place You brought me is now not so good for me. We’re both frustrated that we know it’s past time to leave, but we’re both paralyzed… how can I jump without someplace to land? Someplace to make the numbers work and no splat?
How can I jump without a net?
I know – I know. You’ll catch me. I get that.
BUT I CAN’T SEE YOU!!
I know – I know. You can see me.
How can I jump without a net?