This is a conversation that was rolling around in my head this morning. And yes, conversations do actually roll around in my head. Thus, when I say “that’s how I roll,” now you understand where that is coming from.
“Thank you Lord, for my new job…”
“Your temporary new job.”
“Well, duh – yeah. I know that.”
By the way – I am not, nor am I usually in the habit of saying “duh” to the One who I usually have these conversations with. Really. Bad things happen when I do.
“Your temporary new job.”
“Yeah – that. I know that, you know that, so why make a fuss about it.”
“Have you forgotten some of the lessons we’ve been over? The roads we’ve traveled? If so, you’ve just lost your “roll your eyes at the forgetful Hebrew children” lifetime pass…”
“Shall we review, my son?”
“Let’s roll that beautiful bean footage, shall we?…”
January, 2005 – Working full-time at CU Radio, specifically at His Kids Radio. Coming up on 19 years there, pretty well finally finding my “calling” and settling in there.
“Let’s switch to the real version, not the idealized, rosy glasses version.”
January 2005 – Although I was working full-time, thought I was settling and happy, nothing was ever “settled” about me. I weighed somewhere around 380, having come down from 480 through 2 medical fasts, but that new weight didn’t resolve some issues. I was still unsure, had poor self-image, and never felt that I fit anywhere. The exterior of the house was improved, but the interior filled with rot and despair. All my striving to be “normal,” to find balance and peace, to be at a place where I belonged was for nothing.
January 2006 – I was laid off, just short of 20 years there. Slight insanity follows for about 4 months, and lingers for years after. Vicki is married to someone who shoots up to 480 lbs, wanders through life lost, emotionally wrecked, filled with all the self-loathing and doubt that comes with this kind of path.
January 2009 – through the kindness and care of Weigh To Wellness, about 50 pounds come off. In the meantime, God reveals some of the purpose of the wrecking ball…
“Remember, son, what I told you? That I wanted to rebuild you – make you new. But I would not start until the foundation was clear. I would not restore you building on the rubble of the past. It had to be bare, new, clean and ready for the work I wished to do. Everything had to go.”
“Why? Was it all that bad? Was it all awful, without value? Was there no good part of me?”
“You know better than that, son.”
“You’re right. I do.”
January 2010 – The path comes into view, where the final walls will fall. Obedience. Place one foot on the path and watch the waters part in front of you.
March 30, 2010 – “My chains are gone, I’ve been set free…”
January 2011 – A month of writing and thinking. A time to allow the dust to settle, and to see just where we’ve come from and where we’ve arrived at.
February 2011 – At just the right time, a chain in my mind falls. Where was chaos is now clarity. The middle ground is granted, balance restored.
March 2011 – Opportunities for work, in limited quantities, to at least bring our noses above the waterline, financially. And to show me that I am capable of it.
April 2011 – The temporary job.
“Alright, so what did we learn?”
“My worth is not in what I do, but who I am in You… No “job” ever gets my heart – my heart belongs to You alone… I am Tabula Rasa, all things are new… I’ve been given so much grace, shown so much of how Your hand moves in every life, every day in huge ways, that it’s wrong to waste it in the mundane. Every day that I don’t reflect on, talk about, or point to Your grace is a day I’m not functioning as You intended.”
“So, want to try again?”
“Thank you for my temporary job. And thanks that when it ends, the path with You is just beginning.”