Every morning (normally…), I spend my very early first hour or so waking up, making a cup of coffee, and into the morning reading from the book, Celtic Daily Prayer.
And sometimes, it seems like just “going through the motions.” Showing up, reading with glassy stare, close the book, and move along. I even light a candle, to try and give visual cues to my broken brain that this is a routine, something we do every day, so pay attention and stop trying to run away when I’m not looking. (Steve, my mental hampster, loves to try and run so hard on his little wheel in my brain during this time, that he comes close to breaking the dumb thing…)
With a limited range of emotions available to me, thanks to the medications that keep me semi-sane, “feeling” the Spirit moving is not a thing. So yes, it does seem like sometimes I’m just sitting here, reading, for no good reason. Is that shocking? Shouldn’t be – yes, believers do well to establish a daily routine with Him (though I didn’t really get mine going until last month, here at age 61…), but we are still humans, trying to peer into the world of the intangible, while still chained to the tangible.
So yeah – we struggle. No shame there.
Anyway, when I had lit my candle, settled into the dim light, and opened the book (Ok – turned it on, since it’s on my tablet. Still counts.), this meditation mentioned a candle in the first line,. Thus my wavering attention and hampster gymnastics came to a blessed (but brief) halt. These words were aimed squarely at me, and I’m so grateful…
Give me a candle of the Spirit, O God, as I go down into the depths of my being. Show me the hidden things, the creatures of my dreams, the storehouse of forgotten memories and hurts. Take me down to the spring of my life, and tell me my nature and true name. Give me freedom to grow, so that I may become that self, the seed of which you planted in me at my making.
Out of the depths I cry to you…
– George Appleton
As I blow out my candle and reflect on this today, thank you Lord for the Spirit to guide my way. Even if my emotions are blocked, thank you for reaching me where I’m at, where you always knew I would be, as we move forward… together.
And thank you for candles. Amen.